échappé; to escape

Kiss and tell?

When everyone turn their backs on me, when you hear shit about me that you know is not true, will you go all out to protect me, or will you stir up more shit and put me down like everyone else? Will everything that happened between us stay between us? Will you say the worst things and put me down just to make the next girl feel better?

I used to think everything between us would stay between us, and even if we broke up you wouldn’t make me the center of your joke and would still stand by me because you were the only one who really knew all about me. But now I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know if I can trust you to still keep all my secrets, all our secrets, the good and bad ones, all my dirty secrets I’m ashamed of.

Everything between us, will it stay between us? Or has it been going around already?

Honest questions

Is she the only person you ever really loved/love? Even if you did love me, was she the one you loved the most? Do you still love her? Do you still love me? Did you EVER love me? Or was it her all along?
It was her, wasn’t it? It was her you loved the most, the first and only girl you ever loved. You loved her when we were together, you still love her, don’t you?

Fuck love. Fuck you. I loved you.

So many things I’ll never tell. So many things I can’t. So many things even you don’t know. So many things you never will. So many things I want to tell you.

So many things I don’t know about you too. How are you?

Do you believe that I never ever gave up on you? That all the times I broke up with you, I just wanted to see if you’d still chase after me time after time and that I would have chased after you if you didn’t? That I actually did see a future with you and secretly wished I’d marry you one day?

Yeah well. I still can’t believe that you left me standing here alone.

And even though I’ve known for a long while now, I still can’t believe that you asked her over to your place. Can’t fucking believe it, that was fast. Was she on your bed too? Fucking hurts. Can’t say it’s mine anymore. It’s as if you’ve always wanted her there, and all along you were thinking of her when we were together. What, after we broke up you couldn’t wait and immediately had her over? Yeah there, I said it, I know, I knew for a very long time already. And it makes me sick every single time I think about it. Literally, makes my stomach flip. I lose my appetite and feel like puking all the time.

Hate? No I don’t hate you. I fucking hate myself. Disgusting. Pui.

Woke up in tears again. So scared of sleeping nowadays. The dreams I dream, they’re so real yet so scary. Mostly of who you were and us together, but recently it’s been of who you’ve become and I really hope you’ve not become like this. My heart breaks all over again every night, everytime I wake up in fear and tears. I don’t know which is worse, the super real dreams of us happy together like before, or the scary dreams of you. Both I wake up in tears anyway.

I feel like I’m really losing my mind. 

I miss you. I miss you alot smiaoz.

The ability of the human heart to just change like it never loved you, scares me so much.

“She’d had another dream about him and had woken up feeling like he was right there. As usual, it had taken a moment for her sleep-fogged brain to remember the facts, and for her heart to sink all over again.

He was gone. He never wanted to talk to her again. How could she have forgotten that, even for a split second?

Tears threatened - they were always quick to threaten these days - and she turned on the light and went to the bathroom to splash her face with icy water. She was sick of tears. Her eyes burned all the time now from crying so much.

She just had to be patient somehow. She wasn’t all that good at it, but she had to try. Things would be okay, because she loved him and he loved her and people who loved each other that much had to be together.

Didn’t they?”

*

“There was no way in the world she was ever going to seek out her mother’s advice again. She didn’t understand at all.

No one did.

No one except maybe him.

He was the only one who could possibly know what she was going through. She was sure he did, somewhere deep down, he had to be feeling it too.

He’d understand. Because he always understood. He was the one person in her life who had always understood her. He was the one person in her life who had always been there for her.”

*

“She was sick of feeling this way. She was sick of missing him. Sick of the wound that wouldn’t seem to heal, no matter what she did.

She contemplated the phone. Calling him again would be groveling. Humiliating. But she’d crossed the Groveling/Humiliating line a long, long time ago now. This was Desperation Territory, and Desperation Territory didn’t ask for a passport proving intelligence, dignity, self-respect, or any other sort of personal virtue. 

Desperation just needed intention.

And she intended to get through to him, even if it killed her.

At this point, it was really and truly feeling like it might.”

*

“He was gone. She cried until she was empty, and fell asleep for the rest of the afternoon, curled up tight on the bed where he’d first told her he wanted to stay with her forever.”

- Always Something There To Remind Me